Sarky's Survival guide for: Reading a Dark Romance novel

A short Survival to make up for the fact that I haven't posted for almost a month. I will post the normal Survival on the 13th.
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Everyone seems to be reading them. But you never have? What are you, an alien? Sensible? Never fear, with these tips, you cannot go wrong.

1. Do not open the book, buy the book or if at all possible, even go near the Dark Romance section in the bookshop. It has been suggested that even being in the presence of such a book can turn you into an insufferable, romantic nutjob. Consider what an entire shelf of them could do.

2. If you do find yourself opening the book, shut your eyes (or whatever you aliens use).

3. If you do not posses eyelids or cannot otherwise stop from reading the words, attempt to read nothing but the publishing information. This, in itself, is not poisonous material. Though you may suffer brain damage, headaches or severe eye strain if you continue to read it for more than five minutes.

4. If you find yourself reading actual dark romance material, your have only three options left (ignoring ‘turn into romantic nutjob’):

a. Set the book on fire.

b. Set yourself on fire. Consider this a secondary option, i.e. in case the book refuses to catch. As a first option, it’s not ideal.

c. Summon Satan and get him to set it on fire. The flames of Hell will certainly be able to destroy such a novel. Think Lord of the Rings stylee. If possible, avoid ritual sacrifice summonings. While it’ll solve getting rid of the book, it’s quite probable you’ll be arrested.