Sarky Squirrel's Survival Guide for: Bit characters

You’re in a horror movie or perhaps an action flick but you’ve only pulled a bit part and curses, it’s the sort of film where kids like you end up dead. Follow these simple rules and you might just stand a chance.

1. Have a name. This might sound a bit obvious but, without one, you’re fifty percent more likely to be monster food. If possible, have a really memorable name that is really difficult to yell. That way, any main character yelling your name as you’re killed will look incredibly silly and may protect you to prevent the situation arising.

2. Have a background. The more interesting the better. If you have some unresolved business, like a girlfriend you need to persuade to marry you, that’s good. Just wait until the monster’s dead before you resolve things or there’s a possibility of ironic death.

3. Don’t, at any point, separate from the group. This is prime time for minor character death. You’ll be dawdling along, the group in sight and next thing you know, you’re getting up close and personal with lots and lots of teeth.

4. Don’t be over-emotional. This will lead to the audience hating you and wishing for you’re imminent demise. And what the audience wants…

5. Don’t be a dick. Dicks tend to die, generally in a horrific way. You will be neither saved nor mourned.

6. Do not ever say any of the following:

a. ‘I can’t die! I’m too young to die!’ Unless you are under twelve, you’re not.

b. ‘We should sacrifice someone so the rest of us can get away.’ They will choose you.

c. ‘I’m invincible!’ No-one in the history of the word has ever said this and been correct. There is always a ‘except’.

d. ‘Perhaps they’re open to negotiation.’ With one or two possible exceptions, this will end up with your mutilated corpse being sent back to the group. As a rule, negotiation is the option that occurs only to those who aren’t going to make it to the end credits.

e. ‘It’ll never get us from up/down/in here!’ Yes, yes it will.

f. ‘Lets hide in this freezer.’ Unless you are immune to the cold, this is almost
certainly going to kill you. Similarly, don’t trust any protagonist who says this, they’re probably a little bit leaky in the brain-pan.

7. Don’t turn on the protagonist. Joining the other side or attempting to kill the protagonist will not end well. If the hero doesn’t kill you, the villain certainly will, once you’ve failed him.

8. Be useful. The more vital you are to the hero, the better. If you hold the key to entire mission, that’s always a trick, though be sure it’s the kind of key that doesn’t require you to sacrifice yourself or die. Though this technically puts you above bit-part category, it sometimes happens and if you have the chance, jump for it. If you can’t be the key, have a skill or talent that comes in handy: fighting, map-reading skills, the ability to see through walls and so on.

9. Consider ‘Leave me, I’m slowing you down’ as a last resort. Often this will encourage the hero to save you but in reality it’s quite possible he/she will nod, say ‘ok, I suppose it’s for the best,’ and leave you to a grisly death.

10. Do not, upon discovering your life is in danger, stand around staring in horror,
scream (with or without hands in the air) or say something witty. These are the actions of people who wish to remove themselves from the gene pool.