Sarky's Survival Guide for The Internet

The internet is like a glistening sea. A vast ocean of knowledge, just waiting for you to dive in. …I’m kidding. It’s a gelatinous blob of garbled words, stupid jokes and paranoid conspiracy theorists. One touch and it’ll mutate your brain on a genetic level, drawing you in until you depend on its vast array of shiny things to keep you alive, like some hypnotised jackdaw.
If you’ve found you’re way to this blog, it’s quite possible you’re already lost to us. Sorry. Perhaps you know someone who hasn’t yet been assimilated? Give this to them. On paper. That’s the white stuff in your printer.

1. Gain a basic understanding of internet jargon. From WWW to LOL to ROFLCOPTER. Half the internet is now jargon and acronyms, so this is a vital first step. If possible, also understand what l33t and binary are, though feel free to not actually learn them.

2. Become a connoisseur of the main sites. This includes Google (like searching through the biggest library on Earth. But it’s a library that’s half been taken over by that gelatinous blob (GB) of anti-knowledge I was talking about earlier so you can’t take anything at face value), Wikipedia (the natural resting ground of the GB), Facebook, Twitter, Hotmail, Ebay, Amazon, Tumblr, Blogspot…You get the picture.

3. Understand the basic memes. These are ideas or concepts that have made their way into the internet’s collective consciousness. (Memes are not limited to the internet but for the purposes of this guide, think only internet wise.) From LOLcats (http://icanhascheezburger.com/) to Slenderman (you can watch one interpretation here: http://marblehornets.wikidot.com/the-entries) to the Double Rainbow guy (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQSNhk5ICTI&feature=related) who gets over excited about rainbows. People make reference to memes all the time, so it’s worth knowing some so you aren’t left behind. For more memes, check out: http://knowyourmeme.com/memes.

4. Collect food items around your computer so that they are within easy reach. True internet users can retrieve a sandwich from the other side of the room and still Tweet about it, as they go. (May require long arms or dexterous legs.)

5. Having worked out how the machine works, attempt to become part of it. Failing that, make a hole in your hand and plug yourself in with a USB cable. Nothing says connected like physical contact.

Sarky's Survival guide for: Reading a Dark Romance novel

A short Survival to make up for the fact that I haven't posted for almost a month. I will post the normal Survival on the 13th.
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Everyone seems to be reading them. But you never have? What are you, an alien? Sensible? Never fear, with these tips, you cannot go wrong.

1. Do not open the book, buy the book or if at all possible, even go near the Dark Romance section in the bookshop. It has been suggested that even being in the presence of such a book can turn you into an insufferable, romantic nutjob. Consider what an entire shelf of them could do.

2. If you do find yourself opening the book, shut your eyes (or whatever you aliens use).

3. If you do not posses eyelids or cannot otherwise stop from reading the words, attempt to read nothing but the publishing information. This, in itself, is not poisonous material. Though you may suffer brain damage, headaches or severe eye strain if you continue to read it for more than five minutes.

4. If you find yourself reading actual dark romance material, your have only three options left (ignoring ‘turn into romantic nutjob’):

a. Set the book on fire.

b. Set yourself on fire. Consider this a secondary option, i.e. in case the book refuses to catch. As a first option, it’s not ideal.

c. Summon Satan and get him to set it on fire. The flames of Hell will certainly be able to destroy such a novel. Think Lord of the Rings stylee. If possible, avoid ritual sacrifice summonings. While it’ll solve getting rid of the book, it’s quite probable you’ll be arrested.