You’re in a horror movie or perhaps an action flick but you’ve only pulled a bit part and curses, it’s the sort of film where kids like you end up dead. Follow these simple rules and you might just stand a chance.
1. Have a name. This might sound a bit obvious but, without one, you’re fifty percent more likely to be monster food. If possible, have a really memorable name that is really difficult to yell. That way, any main character yelling your name as you’re killed will look incredibly silly and may protect you to prevent the situation arising.
2. Have a background. The more interesting the better. If you have some unresolved business, like a girlfriend you need to persuade to marry you, that’s good. Just wait until the monster’s dead before you resolve things or there’s a possibility of ironic death.
3. Don’t, at any point, separate from the group. This is prime time for minor character death. You’ll be dawdling along, the group in sight and next thing you know, you’re getting up close and personal with lots and lots of teeth.
4. Don’t be over-emotional. This will lead to the audience hating you and wishing for you’re imminent demise. And what the audience wants…
5. Don’t be a dick. Dicks tend to die, generally in a horrific way. You will be neither saved nor mourned.
6. Do not ever say any of the following:
a. ‘I can’t die! I’m too young to die!’ Unless you are under twelve, you’re not.
b. ‘We should sacrifice someone so the rest of us can get away.’ They will choose you.
c. ‘I’m invincible!’ No-one in the history of the word has ever said this and been correct. There is always a ‘except’.
d. ‘Perhaps they’re open to negotiation.’ With one or two possible exceptions, this will end up with your mutilated corpse being sent back to the group. As a rule, negotiation is the option that occurs only to those who aren’t going to make it to the end credits.
e. ‘It’ll never get us from up/down/in here!’ Yes, yes it will.
f. ‘Lets hide in this freezer.’ Unless you are immune to the cold, this is almost
certainly going to kill you. Similarly, don’t trust any protagonist who says this, they’re probably a little bit leaky in the brain-pan.
7. Don’t turn on the protagonist. Joining the other side or attempting to kill the protagonist will not end well. If the hero doesn’t kill you, the villain certainly will, once you’ve failed him.
8. Be useful. The more vital you are to the hero, the better. If you hold the key to entire mission, that’s always a trick, though be sure it’s the kind of key that doesn’t require you to sacrifice yourself or die. Though this technically puts you above bit-part category, it sometimes happens and if you have the chance, jump for it. If you can’t be the key, have a skill or talent that comes in handy: fighting, map-reading skills, the ability to see through walls and so on.
9. Consider ‘Leave me, I’m slowing you down’ as a last resort. Often this will encourage the hero to save you but in reality it’s quite possible he/she will nod, say ‘ok, I suppose it’s for the best,’ and leave you to a grisly death.
10. Do not, upon discovering your life is in danger, stand around staring in horror,
scream (with or without hands in the air) or say something witty. These are the actions of people who wish to remove themselves from the gene pool.
Thursday, 13 January 2011
Friday, 7 January 2011
Salt
2/5 stars
Contrary to what you might think, Salt does not contain any condiments, salty or otherwise. It does, however, feature quite a few spiders and of the sort that’ll make any arachnophobia run away screaming.
Here’s the set up. A Russian agent defaults to America and accuses Evelyn Salt of being a KGB sleeper. The spy also says that a Russian ambassador is going to be murdered at a funeral. Evelyn realises her husband is missing and goes rogue to find him.
The premise is only borderline original and the action sequences are dull- you’ll have seen them all before, I promise. There’s a particularly memorable moment where Evelyn Salt is fired at, while on top of, what looks like, an oil tanker. Far as I can recall, that usually creates a large explosion. But not this time. In fact there are relatively few explosions in Salt, which is actually quite refreshing for an action movie.
I also praise Salt for a lack of CGI stunts, with one glaring exception where Salt traverses a lift shaft by leaping from girder to girder and spectacularly not dying. Which, with the length and way she fell, is a miracle considering something like that normally makes you miss, slip or land so hand you break your ankles. But this is an action movie. Improbable and impossible stunts are us.
It’s the characters that make Salt. Not so much Salt herself; she has about the same relationship to a normal human as a spanner does to a stick insect. Played by Angelina Jolie, Salt is there to kick butt and look pretty (though I don’t actually think she’s pretty). But her husband and her colleague, Ted Winter, are not only well acted, you can’t help caring about them. Unfortunately, only those two. I don’t even feel much for Salt, who goes from someone quite normal (for a CIA operative) to a woman without a grain of humanity. There are plenty of badass women out there in films and, if done well, they have something in them that the viewer can relate to. Salt doesn’t have anything like that, for the best part of this movie.
In many ways, this is a Jason Bourne movie, without Bourne.
So, then, it is also the characters that let Salt down. Having nothing likeable in a protagonist is bad and worst still, I never really understood what her game plan was. I can’t say much more without giving away significant plot so excuse me for being vague. But Salt’s actions quickly get confusing and I was left shouting, like a mad hobo, ‘what?’ but…I…what?’
With a protagonist like that, and bugger all else to root for, it’s difficult to like Salt as a film. There’s plot holes all over the place and Salt seems to like ignoring rules like gravity and the amount of damage a person can take. There’s also the inevitable countdown-defies-normal-measurements-of-time sequence.
To wrap up, then. Worth a shot but don’t expect too much of it. Make a drinking game out of it and take a shot whenever you start getting confused. Perhaps it’ll look better through the bottom of a pint glass.
Contrary to what you might think, Salt does not contain any condiments, salty or otherwise. It does, however, feature quite a few spiders and of the sort that’ll make any arachnophobia run away screaming.
Here’s the set up. A Russian agent defaults to America and accuses Evelyn Salt of being a KGB sleeper. The spy also says that a Russian ambassador is going to be murdered at a funeral. Evelyn realises her husband is missing and goes rogue to find him.
The premise is only borderline original and the action sequences are dull- you’ll have seen them all before, I promise. There’s a particularly memorable moment where Evelyn Salt is fired at, while on top of, what looks like, an oil tanker. Far as I can recall, that usually creates a large explosion. But not this time. In fact there are relatively few explosions in Salt, which is actually quite refreshing for an action movie.
I also praise Salt for a lack of CGI stunts, with one glaring exception where Salt traverses a lift shaft by leaping from girder to girder and spectacularly not dying. Which, with the length and way she fell, is a miracle considering something like that normally makes you miss, slip or land so hand you break your ankles. But this is an action movie. Improbable and impossible stunts are us.
It’s the characters that make Salt. Not so much Salt herself; she has about the same relationship to a normal human as a spanner does to a stick insect. Played by Angelina Jolie, Salt is there to kick butt and look pretty (though I don’t actually think she’s pretty). But her husband and her colleague, Ted Winter, are not only well acted, you can’t help caring about them. Unfortunately, only those two. I don’t even feel much for Salt, who goes from someone quite normal (for a CIA operative) to a woman without a grain of humanity. There are plenty of badass women out there in films and, if done well, they have something in them that the viewer can relate to. Salt doesn’t have anything like that, for the best part of this movie.
In many ways, this is a Jason Bourne movie, without Bourne.
So, then, it is also the characters that let Salt down. Having nothing likeable in a protagonist is bad and worst still, I never really understood what her game plan was. I can’t say much more without giving away significant plot so excuse me for being vague. But Salt’s actions quickly get confusing and I was left shouting, like a mad hobo, ‘what?’ but…I…what?’
With a protagonist like that, and bugger all else to root for, it’s difficult to like Salt as a film. There’s plot holes all over the place and Salt seems to like ignoring rules like gravity and the amount of damage a person can take. There’s also the inevitable countdown-defies-normal-measurements-of-time sequence.
To wrap up, then. Worth a shot but don’t expect too much of it. Make a drinking game out of it and take a shot whenever you start getting confused. Perhaps it’ll look better through the bottom of a pint glass.
Wednesday, 5 January 2011
Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell by Susanna Clark
2/5 stars
I bought JSaMN on of a recommendation. It’s a Victorian novel, written in 2004. And when I say Victorian, I mean the style and voice, as well as the setting.
I’ve never been a great fan of Jane Austen’s writing. I love the stories but the way they’re written bores me to death.
And unfortunately, the same can be said of JSaMN. I only actually started enjoying it after chapter fourteen, 159 pages in. To be fair, the book is a touch over a thousand pages (It’s bigger than a house brick and almost as heavy. It’s an example of where the Kindle version may actually be better.)
But that’s a lame excuse, and an overused one at that. No-one should have to wade through that many pages to get to interesting story. While I can appreciate it harking back to the style of its intended time, writing has come on a lot since then and for a very good reason.
For instance. There are two main characters: Mr Norrell (whom I consider ‘the boring one’) and Jonathon Strange. Strange doesn’t actually make an appearance until chapter fourteen and even then he’s in the background.
Despite all this, once JSaMN does get started, it has some entirely original and ingenious ideas about magic.
But I can’t say it ever wades out of the dull drums of mediocrity and I’m sorry to say I got around a quarter of the way through and gave up. I realised I was having to make myself read it and that I wasn’t really enjoying it despite the interesting ideas it put forth.
This is a bit of a one-sided view. I'm somewhat predisposed to dislike the style. So, for those of you that love the Victorian novel, feel free to sample JSaMN’s delights. For those of you who feel the same as me, give it a miss.
I bought JSaMN on of a recommendation. It’s a Victorian novel, written in 2004. And when I say Victorian, I mean the style and voice, as well as the setting.
I’ve never been a great fan of Jane Austen’s writing. I love the stories but the way they’re written bores me to death.
And unfortunately, the same can be said of JSaMN. I only actually started enjoying it after chapter fourteen, 159 pages in. To be fair, the book is a touch over a thousand pages (It’s bigger than a house brick and almost as heavy. It’s an example of where the Kindle version may actually be better.)
But that’s a lame excuse, and an overused one at that. No-one should have to wade through that many pages to get to interesting story. While I can appreciate it harking back to the style of its intended time, writing has come on a lot since then and for a very good reason.
For instance. There are two main characters: Mr Norrell (whom I consider ‘the boring one’) and Jonathon Strange. Strange doesn’t actually make an appearance until chapter fourteen and even then he’s in the background.
Despite all this, once JSaMN does get started, it has some entirely original and ingenious ideas about magic.
But I can’t say it ever wades out of the dull drums of mediocrity and I’m sorry to say I got around a quarter of the way through and gave up. I realised I was having to make myself read it and that I wasn’t really enjoying it despite the interesting ideas it put forth.
This is a bit of a one-sided view. I'm somewhat predisposed to dislike the style. So, for those of you that love the Victorian novel, feel free to sample JSaMN’s delights. For those of you who feel the same as me, give it a miss.
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