Thank you for buying the Aperture Science Mini Companion Cube™
Please read the following pages to familiarise yourself with all aspects of your Mini Companion Cube™.
The benefits of owning Mini Companion Cube™
-Heavy enough to hold down a whole piece of paper-More portable than the average sized weighted companion cube
-Will soak up all the love and affection you desire to give it.*
- Mini Companion Cube™ can absorb radiation and it is advised to use your Mini Companion Cube™ in the event of nuclear fallout. If death occurs, please return faulty Mini Companion Cube™ to the Apeture Science laboratories for testing along with your receipt.
*Apeture Science is not responsible for the Mini Companion Cube™ in any way and cannot be held accountable if the Mini Companion Cube™ does not return your affections.
Care of your new Mini Companion Cube™
Apeture Science recommends the following products to keep your Mini Companion Cube™ happy and healthy for life:
- Specifically designed to release a citrus smell when squeezed, the Aperture Science HappyLemon™ will entertain and please your Mini Companion Cube™ and keep its coat looking shiny. (HappyLemon™ - for when life gives you too many ****ing lemons)
- Apeture Science Cake, available exclusively from Apeture Science laboratories. Please submit yourself for testing and we will provide you with enough cake to feed your Mini Companion Cube™ for a month. (Nothing says love like a piece of cake made with science!)Do not place your Mini Companion Cube™ in direct sunlight.
If Mini Companion Cube™ gets dirty, gently wash with acid.
Do not feed you Mini Companion Cube™ meat, baked beans or full fat milk.
Do not allow your Mini Companion Cube™ to wear hats, shoes with laces or necklaces.
CAUTION While your Mini Companion Cube™ can be used to wedge open doors, distract feral animals and as a stepping stone when traversing lava, Aperture Science does not recommend:
- Using your Mini Companion Cube™ in space. The Mini Companion Cube™ is allergic to several species of creature common in space. In the event of your Mini Companion Cube™ coming into contact with tribbles or wookies, please wash your Mini Companion Cube™ thoroughly before putting it in a quarantine vacuum for a period of 30 days.
- Allowing small mammals or children near the Mini Companion Cube™. This may cause the Mini Companion Cube™ to become depressed and/or suicidal. It is recommended to keep your Mini Companion Cube™ out of reach, preferably in a high place. For access to high places use the new HandyPortal™, your very own portal gun for use around house and home, available from your local Aperture Science megastore.
- Damaging your Mini Companion Cube™. This includes damage by knife attack, bombs, fire, water, decapitation, blunt force (including sledgehammers and car crushers), silver, stakes and garlic.- Allowing any robots near your Mini Companion Cube™. All types of Companion Cube will suffer at the hands of robots so it is advised not to allow any robots to play, speak or maim your Mini Companion Cube™. Apeture Science cannot be held responsible for misuse of the Mini Companion Cube™ but any data collected from accidents, along with relevant corpses, documentation and Mini Companion Cubes™ can be used to offset doctor or funeral fees.
